Jokes

Here's The Jokes Folks...

A collection of driving related humour to hopefully make you smile :-)

Police Verses Elsie...

A police officer pulled over Elsie for speeding. Elsie was a 65 year old lady from out of town.
The officer asked to see her licence. 'Don't have one' Elsie said.
'Can I please see the Vehicle registration' the officer asked firmly but politely. 'Nope' snapped Elsie
In that case I will have to take you into the Police station and charge you there. When they arrived the arresting officer said, to the duty sergeant. "This lady has no licence and no vehicle registration".
'Sure I do' said Elsie sweetly. 'This officer has got in for me, the next thing is he will be saying that I was speeding'.

:-)

The difference between Slowing Down and Stopping...

One night Rodney was driving home along a road he knew well. When he reached the Stop sign he slowed down but did not actually come to a halt, whereupon a police officer pulled Rodney's car over.

'What difference does it make' said Rodney, 'slow down or stop'.

'I will give you a demonstration' said the officer and started beating Rodney with his truncheon.' Now would you like me to slow down - or stop?

:-)

How to Cook an Egg!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he burst into the kitchen.

'Careful, 'he cried, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! you're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my word! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? they're going to STICK!

Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him in amazement...

'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

:-)

Coping with STRESS!

Ray: Doctor, I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests is there anything you can give me?

Doctor: Just don't!...try not to worry about it. You'll pass eventually.

Ray: But I'm the examiner.

Dedicated to Ray...

:-)

The Police Chase...

A man was driving home late one afternoon above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with its blues and twos going in his rearview mirror.

He thought, "I can outrun this guy," so he floored it and the race was on. The cars were racing along the A48 at over 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy thought, "What am i doing," and gave up. He pulled over to the curb.

The police officer got out of his Vectra V6 and approached the car. He leaned down and said, "Listen, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw you in my rearview mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

The officer let him go!

:-)

The 10 Speed Bike...

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Cardiff to Holyhead. He got as far as Defynnog before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.

Finally, a guy in an Astra VXR pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the VXR found a piece of rope lying at the side of the road and tied it to his tow loop. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another VXR blew past them.

Not to be outdone, the Astra pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the VXR's, both going well over 120 mph, flew through a mobile speed camera.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Astra VXR's headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then added, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."

:-)

The Juggler...

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

:-)

Bob Newhart...The Driving Instructor...

:-)

My Brother...

I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Jesus, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he flies right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. Hey mate, it's green you can go." "No way, my brother might be coming the other way."

:-)

I didn't realise how bad a driver I actually was until my sat nav said,

"In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

:-)

1996 Formula 1 World Champion Damon Hill meets Harry Enfield